La Ruina

[Team name / Current point total as of Monday morning (+/- from last week) / Snarky comment]

1. Made in the Dark (Justin) / 137 (+8.5): I’m hoping that if I mention how good Rich Harden has been this season, I’ll jinx him and he’ll get hurt. So here we go: Rich Harden has been an absolute stud. If he’s healthy all year, Justin will win. There. I hope that works.

2. The $3600 Suit (Alex) / 136 points (-11): I haven’t respected Alex’s team all year, and I still don’t. However, have you ever seen more injuries? I guess if you looked at Gottsegen’s roster, yeah, you have. Thanks to his controversial strategy of “no backups,” Alex’s starting lineup looks like the waiver wire. If I told you in March that the second place team would be starting Jesus Flores, Mark Derosa, Marcus Thames and Macier Izturis, you would have quit the league.

3. Sabor de Soledad (Chris Rosen) (me!) / 133.5 points (-8.5): I have been doing this for a long time, so I know when a team can win, and when they can’t. My team cannot win. It’s nice enough: my lineup is a total clown car (thanks Crimmings!) and it’ll probably propel me to a top-three finish. But this is easily the worst pitching staff I’ve ever put together. It’s embarrassing. This week, I had four starting pitchers give up 7 ER or more in a single start. Last night, I had to sit there and watch Javier Vazshit Vazquez, a pitcher I acquired specifically because of his WHIP and K/BB splits over the past 3 seasons, walk 5 guys and hit a batter en route to another bombing and another start with a WHIP north of 2. In the words of Ozzie Guillen, the person I try to model my fantasy baseball management style on: “I’m sick and tired to watch this thing for half a year. I’m not protecting anybody anymore. Fuck it. If they can’t get it done, find someone else to get it done.” Too bad there is nothing else out there. Have you seen the staffs in this league? They all suck.

4. Berkman and the 1-4’s (Kenny) / 126 points (-6): That is a great team name. Kenny’s offense is like my pitching staff. Totally embarrassing. These guys don’t hit. Ever. And is there any doubt that if Adam Dunn was released, he’d just stay on the waiver wire?

5. The Audacity of VORP (Crimmings) / 120 (+2): Crimmings’ team stabilized this week, most likely because he benched Brett Myers. It took only two weeks for Crimmings to realize that Brett Myers sucks. Who did he trade for him again?

6. Moops (Brian) / 118.5 (-9): I have to give Brian credit for rostering Ryan Dempster, Aaron Cook and Randy Wolf. Not a lot of credit because clearly he didn’t think they’d be good, and if he did, he’s totally lost. But that being said, no matter how irrational this sounds, they have been completely awesome. I have no doubt they will all implode, get hurt or both, but for 3 months they’ve done all you could ask for.

7. Bandera’s Mullet (Joey) / 96 points (+19): Joey continues his Jamie-Lynn Sigler season. This is another team that won’t win, but if Joba Chamberlain pitches well and Francisco Liriano comes back to the major leagues with a vengeance, it could sneak into the top-4.

8. Rayburn (Chris Bleak) / 91.5 points (+4.5): Whenever I feel bad about my pitching staff, I click on Bleak’s team and smile.

9. Spicy Club Sauce (Kris) / 84 points (-1.5): How is that Putz-for-Verlander trade working out?

10. Avoid the Clap (Tony) / 78.5 points (-2.5): Poor Tony. Marcum and Zambrano both hit the DL before he can sell high on them. At least Lincecum is still healthy, though doesn’t it feel like he won’t be?

11. There Will Be Blood (Nick) / 70 (+0.5): Add Willy Tavares, Drop Juan Pierre. “Hmm, the Titanic is sinking. Let me throw this red deck chair overboard and then I’ll replace it with this blue one. That should stop the boat from going under.”

12. L O S T (Chris Gottsegen) / 57 points (+9.5): The slow return to respectability started this past week. Gottsegen has the makings of a sleeper second half staff: King, Cueto, Garza, Guthrie, Carmona, Jurrjens and Wellemeyer. Again, he obviously isn’t winning, but he could end up in 10th.