La Ruina

Since it’s the All-Star Break, I’m going to do things a little differently with this week’s Power Rankings. Instead of just burying your team with a snarky comment about one of your underachieving players, I’m going to bury you. Using a very scientific system that I just invented this very second, I’m going to give every manager a score on the patented The Willie Randolph Scale of Managing Ineptitude.

If you score a 10, it means you are completely inept, like Willie Randolph. If you score a 1, it means you aren’t terrible, like Jerry Manuel.

1. Made In The Dark (Justin) / Willie Scale: 1

Like Vintage Joe Torre, Justin really hasn’t had to do much managing this year. He kept Hanley Ramirez, Chase Utley and Alex Ciccone Rodriguez, so logically he should finish at least 2nd or 3rd. But to Justin’s credit, his wire moves have been very good. Cliff Lee, Jason Giambi and Mike Mussina have all paid unexpected dividends for his squad. And while losing J.D. Drew probably hurt his lineup, since Vernon Wells and Hideki Matsui are injured, getting Jon Lester for him was a good haul. He also heisted me for Matt Cain, but lets keep that between us. He was the favorite before the draft. He was the favorite on Opening Day. And he’s the favorite at the All-Star Break.

2. The Starlighters (Chris Rosen) (me!) / Willie Scale: 5

I’m going to try to say this without coming off like a totally arrogant asshole (too late), but I think if you gave anyone else my team on draft day, they would be in 6th place. Thanks to Crimmings, who I managed to rip off three times this year (Ichiro-for-Hunter; Granderson-for-Parra; Aramis, Sheets, Vazquez-for-Johan, Wagner, Theriot), my lineup is pretty stacked. The reason I’m not in first place? A few of my trades were absolutely bombs. There was the aforementioned Matt Cain debacle. The “Let me panic and trade for Orlando Cabrera” disaster. And the “I’m bored at work, let me trade Jeremy Hermida for Max Scherzer” maneuver. I’ve also stubbornly stuck with terrible pitchers for no reason whatsoever. The amount of starts I’ve given guys like Johnny Cueto, Brian Bannister and Joe Blanton should be considered a war crime. I’ve probably wasted 100 innings on those guys and gotten an ERA near 7. Needless to say, this has not been my finest first half.

3. Berkman and the 1-4s (Kenny) / Willie Scale: 3

Can you fathom a staff leading the league in WHIP and K/BB when it’s anchored by Ervin Santana, Wandy Rodriguez and Bartolo Colon? Because I can’t. And yet that’s what Kenny’s staff has done. On paper, the staff is an abortion, but thanks to Kenny’s managing of it, the staff has produced. Now if he could only get some hitting.

4. The Audacity of VORP (Crimmings) / Willie Scale: 10

Crimmings is bad at this. Really bad. You look at his team, and you think, “John finally knows what he’s doing.” Then you look at the transactions he’s made and you realize that his team could have easily won the league if he didn’t completely fuck it up. This last week was the cherry-on-top. Crimmings completely trashed his lineup to get more pitching. Now he’s got a great staff, poised for a monster 2nd half. Great, right? Too bad he’s going to war with Paul Konerko, Adam Dunn, Chris Black Young and Chris Davis. Combined those guys might hit 245. And while acquiring Ian Kinsler for Robinson Cano was one of the biggest steals of the last two seasons, Crimmings DID IT BY ACCIDENT! He didn’t even remember the trade was still on the table and then it was accepted. Like the Mets, I have no doubt that this team would finish higher in the standings if Crimmings let someone else manage it. Maybe he can get his dog to do it.

5. Backslider (Alex) / Willie Scale: 5

Alex’s 2008 campaign will undoubtedly be talked about as “the one that got away.” The injuries have piled on and they haven’t stopped. Pujols, Chipper, Uggla, Damon, Harang, Laird, Furcal. All key guys, all have missed significant time. So why does Alex get a “5″ on the Willie Scale? Because he should have known better than to rely on those guys without any backup plan. On the plus side, his waiver wire moves have been pretty great. Mike Pelfrey, David Murphy, Mark DeRosa and Armando Galarraga have all been major contributers. For a guy who doesn’t make a lot of moves, at least Alex has made quality ones this year.

6. Lou Diamond Phillips (Brian) / Willie Scale: 6

Brian’s team makes me angry. I hate it, so much, that it’s like flames. Flames. On the side of my face. The reason? Because it’s completely irrational. Guys like Randy Wolf, Ryan Dempster and Aaron Cook really suck. But here they are, having good first halves. Fortunately for me, they have all gotten bombed lately. Which is nice because it makes me happy. I have a sneaky suspicion Brian’s second half is going to be rough. Figure all the first half Cinderella pitchers fall back to earth. Figure Dan Haren has his usual second half fade. Figure on an 8th place finish.

7. Bandera’s Mullet (Joey) / Willie Scale: 3

I really kinda like Joey’s team. It’s very solid. And very unassuming. I don’t actually have anything really bad to say about it. I still think he finishes in the top-4.

8. Spicy Club Sauce (Kris) / Willie Scale: 7

Kris got off to a bad start this year by keeping Troy Tulowitzki. Then he traded Justin Verlander for a bag of rusty nails and Evan Longoria for Chad Billingsley (a.k.a: The White Dice-K.) On the plus side, things really can’t get any worse.

9. There Will Be Blood (Nick) / Willie Scale: 5

I still like Nick’s team, even though it stinks. Looking at the stats, he’s been killed by giving too many at-bats to too many shitty players like Mark Reynolds, Nick Swisher and Jeff Francouer. Also, Bobby Abreu’s sub-800 OPS hasn’t helped matters either. And I didn’t even get to the pitching staff, which outside of Sabathia, Hamels and Greinke, is atrocious. But Nick’s team could make a pretty decent 2nd half run to the middle of the pack.

10. Avoid The Clap (Tony) / Willie Scale: 7

Eventually, Tony might figure out how to do this. Eventually.

11. Rayburn (Bleak) / Willie Scale: 8

Chris won the league. And then he comes up with this team? You’re better than this, Bleak!

12. LOST (Chris Gottsegen) / Willie Scale: 6

I’ve written enough about Gottsegen’s team to sustain another blog entirely. It sucks. And while Gottsegen is certainly to blame, he’s gotten a lot more out of this team lately than he has any right to. If some players come back healthy, 70 points could be within reach.