La Ruina

[Team name / Current point total as of Monday morning (+/- from last week) / Snarky comment]

Normally we do the Power Rankings here, but we’d rather do the good ol’ “Who Are You Going to Keep?” post, especially now that the trading deadline has come and gone. So without further adieu:

1. Franklin Comes Alive (Chris Rosen) (me!): Josh Hamilton, Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia

Why not, right? None of them will be as good as they were this year, but I bet they’ll still be fun to own. Plus, Kevin Youkilis has a worse temper than me. I’m sold.

2. Made In The Dark (Justin): Carlos Lee, Xavier Nady, Josh Beckett, Adam Dunn

That’s a long way from A-Rod, Hanley and Utley, isn’t it? I don’t normally advocate for keeping pitching, but when your other options are Vernon Wells, Adam Dunn and Torii Hunter, you might as well keep Beckett and hope for the 16-win rebound.
Updated 11:42PM: Justin just traded both Xavier Nady and Vernon Wells, so it looks like his keeper is Adam Dunn. Ouch.

3. Worst Offense Ever (Kenny): Brian McCann, Jason Bay, Alexei Ramirez

You can’t really do much better than these three. McCann is the best catcher in the major leagues; Bay will cruise to a 30-120 season in Boston; Alexei Ramirez could be a mini-Soriano (hopefully without the DL stints.) Not a bad way to start 2009.

4. The Audacity of VORP (Crimmings): Carlos Quentin, Matt Kemp, Troy Tulowitzki

Clearly Quentin will regress off this monster season, but it’s going to be pretty hard to not keep the league’s MVP. Matt Kemp is a stud, and will only get better. He’s got a 30-30 in his future. And the third spot comes down to the unsustainable Ryan Doumit or the terrible Troy Tulowitzki. I’d keep Troy, because he’s good and will obviously rebound, while Doumit will see his batting average drop 60 points and spend at least a month on the DL. Since it’s Crimmings we’re talking about, he’ll keep Volquez, Cain and Hardy.

5. Bandera’s Mullet (Joey): Corey Hart, Alex Rios, Chad Billingsley

Rios and Hart are no brainers here. They both give you speed, batting average, some power and a lot of frustration. Perfect. The third guy is really hard. Joey could keep Jay Bruce, but why bother. He could keep Robinson Cano, but again, why bother (just add Mark Ellis off the wire after the draft.) He could keep Joba Chamberlain or Francisco Liriano, but they both pose high injury risks. That leaves Billingsley, who is a stud. And only getting better. Not terrible.

6. The $3600 Suit (Alex): Brandon Webb, Carlos Beltran, Joe Nathan

This is ugly. Really ugly. Beltran isn’t a keeper, because he really sucks, and yet he’s a no-brainer on this squad. Alex can’t, in his right mind, keep Dan Uggla. Chipper Jones is destined to play in 100 games in 2009. And there are no other pitchers here I’d even want on my roster, let alone kept. That’s why Nathan is the choice. Quietly, he’s the best closer in baseball almost every year. He won’t do anything for your team, but at least he isn’t Aaron Harang.

7. The Worsts (Brian): Magglio Ordonez, Joe Mauer, Dan Haren

I could make the case for Brian Roberts, but Dan Haren is really, really good (I was dead wrong about him.) So he’s kept. Magglio isn’t as good as he was, but he could probably still knock in 105 from the whirlpool. And Joe Mauer is what he is: the 2nd best catcher in the league.

8. No Drowning (Nick): Brandon Phillips, Evan Longoria, C.C. Sabathia

This is pretty stacked. Who doesn’t love Longoria? Who doesn’t love C.C.? Who doesn’t love Phillips? Oh that’s right–everyone. Well two out of three isn’t bad. And at least Phillips can get you 25 steals even if it comes with a 764 OPS.

9. Ryan Braun and the Shit (Kris): Ryan Braun, Geovanny Soto, Roy Halladay

Braun is amazing. Soto is over-rated, but he’s still not terrible. He’s like a slightly better Molina Brother. Halladay is having such a great year that you almost have to keep him, even if you know he’s going to regress in 2009.

10. Avoid The Clap (Tony): Tim Lincecum, Nick Markakis, B.J. Upton

Lincecum is the best pitcher in baseball. Markakis isn’t as soft as I thought. Upton isn’t as good as I thought. At least he’s sexy. All these players are sexy actually. Not a bad three.

11. Rayburn (Chris Bleak): Grady Sizemore, Russell Martin, Prince Fielder

Ladies and gentleman, your early favorite for 2009.

12. 0 (Chris Gottsegen): Ian Kinsler, Justin Morneau, Aramis Ramirez

Kinsler isn’t this good, but he’s still solid–a 2B with 20/20 potential. Morneau’s home runs are way down, and he’s Canadian, but he can still knock in 110 every year with smoke and mirrors. And Aramis is slightly better than Atkins, but we all know Aramis will never be as good as he was two and three years ago. That’s because, last time I checked, HGH was still illegal.